To this end I feel I'm doing alright. I'm not exactly happy where I am in terms of progress but I can and do acknowledge that I've been working hard to reach my goals.
I am much more actively dating now. I don't have a super special someone but I do have people that wherein I feel we're both intentional anout making time for each other. Right now I want someone(s) in my life who pays attention to me. And I have that. I am valentine-less but I'll be spending the evening with close friends which I am excited about.
Physically I feel like I'm slipping a little. I am for the most part sleeping better, taking better care of my body. I've invested over the past month in treats and treasures for my body. This includes body butter, fancy lotion, better hair moistureizer, massage oil (that I haven't used), foundation that moistureizes and protects the skin from the sun, and toys to keep my "me time" special. I, however, still don't like my relationship with food. I both want to improve it but don't have any idea of how to go about it. I think this will be one of my greater challenges for the year.
Mentally, I am back on a pretty consistent therapy routine. I see my therapist weekly. I have also joined a mixed anxiety group. Group work is not easy. It challenges me to show up, participste, and be open. I teuly despise my therapy homework because it forces me to be mindful about my anxiety disorder. I prefer to imagine that it disappears in my day-to-day. This is not true, anxiety profoundly affects how I live my life. Often it does so in ways that I am not happy with but feel powerless to control. Working in group has helped me recognize this. I wish it translated to an immediate cure. It doesn't. And concentrating on judging how 'cured' I am usually takes my focus off achieving my short term goals. Right now I'm working on my anxieties around environment (being outside after dark, going new places, etc.)
Now to finances. Otherwise known as my achilles heel. I am VERY unhappy with my financial state. I currently don't have a job and feel as though I am underfunded from my institution. I have been working to challenge myself to be more aggressive in improving this situation. This means applying for jobs, talking with colleagues about how they handle their money woes, not ignoring financial documents, filling out financial paper work, asking questions, researching financial health, and admitting when I can't afford things. None of those are easy, I scratch my self on buried nurosis and anxiety constantly. I have a very hard time admitting how financially vulnerable I feel because unconsciously I think it reflects something about my character. This isn't true. I am challenging myself to live my life like I believed that.
What I am proud of is that I have not let my setbacks (and I've had a few, and have several seeming roadblocks ahead of me) keep me down. I try to take time to acknowledge my disappointment--ignoring it just leads to festering--and then move forward. I feel like if I were in the same situation as I am now a year ago I would simply cut my phone off, let bills pile up, and stop leaving my house. Instead, I am trying to reach out for support and remind myself that I can survive this. I struggle to overcome my extreme feelings of shame about being broke that I think only people who have lived in poverty for extensive periods can understand. I also work to remind myself that I have to work towards financial security on my terms and not let others dictate how I should go about getting better. Lastly, I try to remember that being poor doesn't mean I shouldn't have pleasure in my life.
On the non-grad student life I am somewhat successful. I would say this is the area I feel the greatest progress in. I am doing much better about intentionally growing my friendships these days. Either by checking in on peeps over email, phone or social media, practicing deep listening with people, and giving them responsibilities in our relationship. I often spend a lot of time and invest a lot of my opinion in myself in how well I take care of others. Being a care taker isn't the same as being a friend. People become checklists of problems you need to solve. I'm trying to step back from that. That means opening up about my problems, resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice, asking if people want help, spending more time with myself *thoughtfully*, and being more honest about my opinions. I shelter people from my judgements and criticism. This seems like I am being nice and gentle. But I see more and more how it builds walls around me and resentment and frustration within me.
I haven't been able to do the leisure reading that I wanted. I anticipate that now that I feel more comfortable with my academic load that this will change. January was largely about trying not to use this goal as an excuse to run away from my homework anxiety. Due to recent success academically and new accommodation software that anxiety is decreasing and I am getting a better balance in my work time and leisure time. So well see if I get anything read in February.
How are you doing with your personal goals?
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