New Year's Affirmations

So I did a video blog today (I will get a hold of the whole sound issue. One day) on my New Year's Affirmations.

I hope the new year bring positive growth for all of us.

Peace

Interesting films and projects from around the internet.

A Past, Denied

A Past, Denied is a new documentary from Mark Barber about the untold history of Slavery in Canada.

From the website:

History is not the past, it is how we recount the past. A Past, Denied: The Invisible History of Slavery in Canada is a feature-length documentary by independent filmmaker Mike Barber. The film, which is currently in production, explores how a false sense of history—both taught in the classroom and repeated throughout our national historical narrative—impinges on the present. It examins how 200 years of institutional slavery during Canada’s formation has been kept out of Canadian classrooms, textbooks and social consiousness.

To find out more about it and to keep track of its progress follow the link above.

The Revival: Ground Breaking Women in Hip Hop Tour

Quoted on the 2dopeboyz blog:

The Revival gives a candid glimpse into the first meeting of legendary Hip-Hop pioneer Roxanne Shante and veteran Philly emcee Bahamadia, as they trade stories of their struggles and triumphs in the industry over their long careers. It also shows the exchange of lessons between them and up and coming artists DJ Shortee, Eternia, Stacy Epps, and Invincible. This short documentary, a collage of performances and behind the scenes footage, was filmed and directed by Invincible while on the road in Europe as part of We-B Girlz all women in independent Hip-Hop tour. The largest all female Hip-Hop tour of its kind, it spanned over three weeks, six countries, and featured dozens of female artists who performed for tens of thousands of supporters.

GYM CLASS HEROES: Live A Little

Have I mentioned lately that I love the Gym Class Heroes. Okay well this awesome montage video is a good example of why. They're albums are awesome their live shows better.

I'm excited to see how the bands side projects are going to develop this year. Personally I'm not the fan who is afraid to see my favorite people try new things. At its best it incorporates new energy into their sound and at its worse it reminds me that its impossible to pigeon whole artists into our narrow boxes of taste.

Call for Writers: Hip-hop, resistance, and feminism « Gender Across Borders

Call for Writers: Hip-hop, resistance, and feminism « Gender Across Borders

Go check this out if you're writing about these issues or know someone that is. I'll hopefully be submitting something as well.

Slipping

I wrote an essay recently on why DMX work speaks to me so heavily. If it gets picked up it'll be my first published piece. Which would be very interesting given the subject matter.

See I became a DMX fan about the same time I would say that I had my first major spiral into depression. And where I couldn't express my pain, anger, or sadness to the world (because in my mind no one would care or be able to help) I found someone who could..with a verbal dexterity that I lacked, a intimidating demeanor that I could probably never hope to match, and a platform that I had no access to. Now he might not have been talking about the things that I wanted to talk about--but still there was a connection to a performance of emotional excess that drew me.

But DMX is actually not the point of this post. And neither is music actually.

I probably couldn't have started writing with out starting somewhere totally random. This is a post that I've been meaning to write for a couple of days (filled with nothing but sieeping and tv watching and wondering why I'm not writing anything but bad emo poetry.)

See about a week ago I realized that I was slipping. At first I just realized that I wasn't handling my business the way that I needed to. Well that's not exactly true. I realized that I was once again using the caregiving role as a way to escape my own life and anxieties. That's not to say that I wasn't all about helping out my friend...but one thing that's true with battling to pull yourself out of neurotic learned behaviors and into the kind of lifestyle you want to be living--you have to be honest with yourself about what's happening.

So I guess that's actually where it all starts. A recognition of the denial about what my behavior meant. And in taking counter action to that state of denial starting to slowly see the ways that I had been operating in denial for a while. Look up three days later and I'm in my psychiatrist office talking about how I think I might have slipped into a deep depression in the last few weeks and not realized it.

Fast forward to today. I've had to make academic arrangements. I put in a distress call to my therapist yesterday and I'll robably put one in tomorrow. I'm pretty sure at this point that the slip is real.

Which isn't necessarily where I want to focus this post but it has to be acknowledged. If only because I have to break the cycle of denial about my mental health state.

So the real point that isn't really a point but maybe a personal reminder is that slipping happens. That the path to bettterment is not a smooth or easy one. And that when you start to realize your spending all your time worried on how to make other people, places, or things better then you probably need to be focusing on how your individual self is doing. At least for me its one of the first signs that I'm not doing so well.

Why? Because when I'm doing "well" I'm more focused on my own personal growth then what other people are f'ing up or not. Let's not be mistaken I'm still a "highly critical" person about just about everything. But when my focus get's to be too narrow and my attacks just a little to barbed then I know (or I don't actually but I'm hoping to remember from here on) that its time to do an inventory of self and see where *I* am at.

Perfectionist are people who set ridiculously high standards of behavior and action for themselves as well as others. The more I feel like I'm failing at being whatever my neurotic brand of perfect-of-the-moment is the more I start criticizing others for what they aren't doing either.

So anyway I've slipped. And I'm back at stage one of the mission of compassion. Being compassionate with oneself. As this easily reads as a highly self critical essay (which I'm aware of but actually not sure how to write beyond at this moment) I think its easy to see that I'm not being compassionate enough with myself. Slips happen. Mental health is a long winding road.  Becoming is probably ten times as twisty. Slips happen.

But how do you deal? I went through a cycle over the last couple of days of thinking that maybe I was deluding myself into thinking I'm depressed to "get over" (which is just so damn crazy when you think about it, because if you've ever been depressed you know that's not exactly an easy pain to fake.) To thinking that I'm not working hard enough to overcome the depression. To where I am now. Which is recognizing that I've slipped. Working one day at a time to do what I can to move beyond it but not deluding myself that a few therapy exercises and in two days I'll be "all better." All better is just another unachievable standard.

Today I woke up and stayed up. I did an artistic project with my fam. I did part of my "normal" self-care routine. I took a mental health assesment test. I made sure I got some rest and tried to stay hydrated and fed. I spoke to a friend on the phone. And I wrote this essay. I did a lot today. And tomorrow we'll see what I do next.

Video World Premiere: Alexandra Burke - Broken Heels

I feel like there is a paper in this song (and in the entire How to Be A Lady Vol. 1 album by Eletrik Red about femme pride in R&B/Pop these days.)

In a quick break down of what I mean...

1) Its significant that Burke is performing femme-ness in a masculinized space (the football arena.)

2) Her femme identity that she sings about is not one that keeps her out of competition (literally they go to play against a team of perceived men) but in fact one that gives her a sense of confidence to compete.

3) I like that she's a dark-skinned Black femme. Colorism and Anti-Black racism is definitely a paradigm through which Black femme-inity is read. Historically dark-skinned Black women have been depicted as being less feminine than lighter-skinned Black women.

 

 

Sent to you by gogojojo via Google Reader:

 

 

Video World Premiere: Alexandra Burke - Broken Heels

via BlakMusicFirst by Bigjamz on 12/11/09

Here's the new video world premiere by Pop/R&B singer Alexandra Burke. "Broken Heels" is the second single from her debut album, Overcome and it's produced by RedOne!

 

 

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BOSTON COLLEGE, AFRICAN AND AFRICAN DIASPORA STUDIES PROGRAM (AADS) DISSERTA...

Being poor like none other has made me realize (again, back for the first time) how important it is to create networks of knowledge about available monies for receiving education especially for and about marginalized groups. Because let me tell you that money is scarce like cheese on a rat trap (I don't know where it came from either.) Okay of to earn my fellowship check by working on these damn papers.

 

 

Sent to you by gogojojo via Google Reader:

 

 

BOSTON COLLEGE, AFRICAN AND AFRICAN DIASPORA STUDIES PROGRAM (AADS) DISSERTATION FELLOWSHIP

via UCLA Graduate Division: GRAPES Feed on 12/3/09

Deadline: 1/22/2010
One award offered for dissertation research on any topic within African and/or African Diaspora studies. The successful applicant will have full access to Boston College's seven libraries as well as several rare books and manuscripts collections. Awards support one year of research.

 

 

Things you can do from here:

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An introspective post by...ME (i know you're shocked)

Its five o'clock in the afternoon where I am. I've got a pounding headache and I'm pretty sure the only things I can eat right now are oatmeal and yogurt.

All that to say that today was not a good day (sorry Cube.)

And I find myself with feelings of resentment and nostalgia about support networks that I "thought" existed and those that I "know" exist. Of course its easy to see where the flow of emotions goes in such an equation. But then I stop and remind myself (mostly cause my meditation for this morning was to show more compassion for myself and others today) that what I "think" and "know" about people are merely perceptions based on experiences.

No I don't particular feel supported by many people in my social network in my new home. But people have various ways of dealing with stress, showing support, and with existing withing social frameworks. The caregiver in me expects (and is therefore resentful when expectations are not met) that all people will respond to my needs for care as I do theirs--with or without my vocalization. This is what we like to call in my therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) a cognitive distortion. Its an incongruous leap between a thought to a feeling. From "I would drop anything if a friend was in need"--> "Other people should treat me in the same way"-->"people who don't act in this way are not real friends"-->"I'm sad because I have once again misjudged the character and nature of my friendships with people.

Now why am I laying this all to bare on the internet where undoubtedly someone who fits into this equation can (and with Murphey's law and my passive aggressive nature mostly likely will) see this? Well it goes back to the whole compassion thing.

See today I'm going to give myself a break for not being able to judge people's characters twenty seconds after knowing them and therefore being able to predict who I should categorize as support/allies, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. I'm also going to give myself a break and say that I don't have to know that answer for every person I come in contact with ever--that the definitions of my relations to people can be fluid, terminal, or long-lasting based on my needs,desires, and wants.

Being a caregiver is not a bad thing. Expecting that all other people will act in the same fashion only sets me up for disappointment because the truth is people are socialized in various ways to show and give care or not. And who I hurt most when I create harsh demanding (and not compassionate) rules about how "friends and allies and whosoever" *should* act I ultimately create a false model of perfection that I hold myself accountable to as well.

So tonight I'm going to take some contrary action. I'm going to say that I deserve to be able to create boundaries around my caring. And that I will also try to respect other people's boundaries as well. But that when people do not meet my expectations of friendship I will not neurotically try to engage them until they "like me" as they *should*.

I'm going to make a list of places where I want to spend my energy and places where I do not feel the need any longer. I'm going to be honest with myself about what my limitations are and respect those. Why because they deserve them. I am going to be compassionate with myself and in return hopefully be more compassionate with others as well.

Apple - Movie Trailers - Remember Me

Apple - Movie Trailers - Remember Me

LALALA

Robert Pattinson in another movie. Yes I am going to see it. There is no better reason than his face. Fabulous.

Musical Subcultures: Apple - Movie Trailers - Until the Light Takes Us - Clip

Apple - Movie Trailers - Until the Light Takes Us - Clip


Umm...I have no idea but I love docs about musical cultures I know nothing about.

Found this other doc on about black metal on Youtube. WARNING I HAVEN'T FINISHED WATCHING IT. BUT I GATHER THERE IS EXTREME VIOLENT IMAGERY AND/OR DISCUSSION THAT MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. BE CAREFUL.













does anyone remember this Bones episode about this culture? If you remember the one I'm talking about please send me the title so I can post a hulu link to that as well.

Foxxjazell - Split Enz (Official Music Video)

Umm I'm in love w/ music video. The colors, the huge ass scissors, the dance moves, the hair--the hair is fabulous--plus I love the two back up singers/dancers w/ the pink hair. Just the whole thing. Visually A+ and I really like the beat and the flow to its very 80s babies and I'm digging that sound right now.

Go Foxxjazell for putting together a great video. If someone knows the director of the video let me know so I can give some credit that way too.   H/T to Mickeyskillz for the info: Director is Cleveland Wright.

Fwd: NBJC Congratulates Nation's First Black Lesbian State Representative

On Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 8:16 AM, National Black Justice Coalition
<info@nbjc.org> wrote:
>
> NBJC Congratulates Nation's First
> Black Lesbian State Representative
>
> Simone Bell Joins Alex Wan as Newly Elected LGBT Lawmakers
>
> Contact: Jason Bartlett
> (203) 733-4266
>
> FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 12/3/2009
>
> NBJC congratulates Simone Bell on her historic victory as she becomes the first Black lesbian state representative in the country. Ms. Bell won a runoff in yesterday's Georgia election to represent District 58 covering the Atlanta area and will be the second openly LGBT member of the Georgia State House of Representatives, following Representative Karla Drenner. Atlanta voters also elected Alex Wan as the City Council's first gay man, and first Asian American, on Tuesday.  Wan will represent City Council District 6.
>
> "We all celebrate this victory with Representative-elect Bell," said NBJC Executive Director Sharon J. Lettman.  "We recognize all the hard work that goes into running for public office and commend Bell for being a shining example of leadership for everyone in the LGBT community."
>
> Ms. Bell has been a community advocate and activist for over twenty years, working on issues such as workplace equality, access to affordable health care, fighting HIV/AIDS discrimination and stigma, and women's rights.  NBJC recognizes these accomplishments and salutes her stellar track record as it will serve her well in the Georgia State House.
>
> NBJC Deputy Executive Director and Connecticut State Representative Jason Bartlett stated, "I am elated that Simone Bell has won her race.  Her victory is significant to all of us who are Black and gay.  I look forward to working with her towards influencing our colleagues across the country to be more affirming on issues that affect the LGBT and Black communities."
>
> This year's electoral victories of Charles Pugh in Detroit, Jass Stewart in Brockton (MA) and now Simone Bell in Atlanta—all elected in heavily Black districts—portend a positive trend for African Americans who are openly LGBT being able to achieve and lead our communities in the state legislatures, city halls and elected public office. NBJC is encouraged that we are making progress towards a time when being Black and gay will not be an issue for candidates seeking public office.
>
> The National Black Justice Coalition (www.NBJC.org) is a civil rights organization dedicated to empowering Black lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. Its mission is to end racism and homophobia. NBJC envisions a world where all people are fully empowered to participate safely, openly and honestly in family, faith and community, regardless of race, gender-identity, or sexual orientation.
>
> - ### -
>
>
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